dear my mother
it has been a year since you left us.
and it has been extremely hard.
have been malfunctioning since you were diagnosed seven years ago.
and it reached its peak with your departure.
it was probably just Şeyda who noticed it
and she didn’t know how to handle it
neither did i.
i wanted to just sleep for a loooooong loooooooooong time,
kind of i wanted to be dead as well.
but of course i had no such option
so i tried to keep myself busy
work was a good option
since it also meant to connect with you
i designed, made, and sold.
we took a good way.
art was another one
i rsvp’ed as going to so many exhibitions, concerts, and talks
for which i have been probably judged big time by some facebook policemen.
i used all my free film rights on Filmstriben
explored Vimeo and Tumblr,
and pressed the heart buttons for many hundred times.
luckily there are some talented people out there!
the city was the other good thing.
i took long walks, rode my bicycle,
swam in the cold sea on a hot summer day,
barbecued on the beach, had some beer,
admired the beautiful Danish men (seriously good job dear God)
and enjoyed the white nights.
and yes the people…
i made some new friends,
and put a cross over some old ones.
connected with a little girl called Lila,
and even kind of had a crush on someone.
small talked with strangers,
mastered the Danish humor of irony,
laughed and made others laugh.
done some self improvement as well
something to be really happy about
i lost some weight, i know “OMG”
still would be described as fat by my lovely fellow Turks though.
improved my Danish, at least the written one,
i still think twice to say forty, cause i mix it with eighty.
but i always had problems with numbers in languages,
despite i am a genius in mathematics.
but you know what,
they were all momentary pleasures.
i happened to learn some cliches have become cliches for a reason
unfortunately, despite the uncoolness of sounding as an arabesque
something will always be missing and we both know that it is you.
i now have some new skills thanks to your departure:
the ability to burst into tears, i know so lame but true;
and the ability to feel you in many strange everyday moments, obviously i like this one.
on the other hand i lost some of my existing skills;
they have been gradually disappearing in the last 7 years.
i feel quite like socially awkward,
mostly i don’t want to talk,
have difficulties in choosing the correct greeting gesture,
i don’t use people’s names,
i can’t react in a normal pace,
and may be the most important one,
i don’t feel like smiling just like that, for no reason.
of course Danes are very bothered by this
either you should be in the bubble or out, right?
some wise people say “time heals everything”.
and some idiots create “beautiful images” with this text written on
and they share it on Facebook together with some more wise messages
you know what dear Facebook wisdom givers, activists, and hippies
IT JUST DOESN’T!
You cannot take back the experiences you have just had.
Even with a memory loss.
Şeyda could give you a lecture about this.
She will first put it in a theoretical framework
and then elaborate the topic through real life examples.
Apparently I have ruined many of hers.
So, first hand experiences, very valuable these days.
What i am saying is, there are just some very busy days,
and if these busy days are filled with nice occasions and good people
you are happier
but you still carry that sorrow with you.
so shut up and grow up.
and accept the fact that we will always be a bit unhappy
and some more sensitive or weaker people will be even unhappier.
and it is OK.
and i am kind of tired of the fact that i should keep it together.
it has been a year since you went my mother,
and i think i haven’t taken a day off just to feel how i feel
lie in bed, cry, be angry, smash some retarded objects,
regret for my mistakes, replay some good memories
and just miss you…
and i miss you like crazy, all versions of you,
but mostly your healthy version creating amazingly elaborate things
in a very modest way that it looks so easy…
love from your little night bird…